We live in a “self-esteem” culture that has decided that if parents discipline their kids, if kids are held accountable for bad behavior, it hurts their self-esteem. In fact, just the opposite is true. Now, abusing or neglecting a child certainly crushes self-esteem and confidence. However, appropriate discipline or consequences develop self-esteem. Here are some principles to follow.

1. Has one of the Four D’s been violated? (See January’s blog article) If so, determine to what degree this is so. This helps you assess whether discipline is needed.
2. Fit the punishment to the crime. Lying is serious and warrants a serious response. However, a child who has a bad day and is edgy needs patience. We all have bad days when we aren’t pleasant to be around. We want patience, not punishment. Same goes for your kids.
3. Find what works for each child in each stage of their life.

• When my very introverted son needed consequences, I told him to go to his room. He looked at me and asked if he could stay there all afternoon. However, when we saw that he resisted doing chores, we began using that as a consequence.
• My daughter loved doing chores and asked for more the first time I used them with her. However, when we thought about how she hated being isolated in her room for even five minutes, that became her consequence.

Chores for one child and being alone for another. Those worked until they didn’t. We then had to find new consequences.

Don’t take away from your kids things that are really good for them. If they go to a church youth group, don’t rip that away from them. If they take music lessons, don’t take that away. Instead, be creative with your disciplinary actions.

4. Be realistic. “You’re grounded for life” won’t work—you know it and so do your kids. You must be realistic and practical regarding the consequences you implement.
5. Wait and think before you dish out discipline. When we’re angry, we can lose up to 30 IQ points. Not thinking clearly means that in the moment we can say hurtful or dumb stuff to our kids. Just like fire safety teaches us to, “stop, drop, and roll,” parents need to, “stop, cool down, and think.” Plus, your waiting means your child is waiting too, which can be an effective parenting strategy.
6. Follow through. Kids learn very quickly if their parents follow through on the discipline or give in. They know which parent follows through and which one caves. Both parents must follow through on consequences. If this doesn’t happen, your consequence will fail.
7. Let the child pick the discipline. Give them three appropriate options and make them decide. In the Bible, God used this method with King David after he had been foolish. If it works for God, why not try it with your kids?

One last thing. Be alert to things that sneak in and interfere with your disciplining your children. Don’t let these win.

• You’re too busy to remember or follow through.
• You don’t have the energy to stick to the consequences. Think of your child’s character and the person you want them to be when they leave home.
• Many parents want to be friends with their kids and are afraid their children will be mad at them. While they may be angry for a short time, they also learn to respect you. This is vital for parenting and your child’s long-term well-being. If you want to be a good parent, you must be willing to be temporarily hated by your child. They love you; their anger will fade. Trust me.
• Taking the keys away from your teen driver when they’ve been giving rides to younger siblings’ activities can be tough on you. However, stick to your consequence and don’t give in “just this one time.”

This will get you started. Work at it. You’ll make mistakes but keep going so that your kids will become young men and women of character and integrity.