School, music lessons, sports practice, games, and tournaments. Family outings, extended family events, church. Work, friends, workouts, and somewhere, sleep. Busyness rules many people’s lives; some wear it like a badge of honor. Folks trying to outdo each other as to who is busier and who’s more exhausted. I get how busy life can be. My wife and I raised two kids who were very active in sports, church, and school and both of us worked full time.

At one point, though, I found myself not too proud of my parenting in that I was simply living in reaction to life and not being a very good dad. I was around my kids but not really preparing them for adulthood. Heck, I wasn’t a very good adult so how could I teach my kids to be that? Something had to change—and it had to begin with me. In this article, I won’t specify all the changes I had to make; however, the changes led me to think through something I ended up calling, deliberate parenting.

Deliberate parenting meant that I stopped letting life control me. Instead, I started to intentionally become a better dad. It meant that I made time for my most important legacy—my kids. Deliberate parenting meant that I had to envision what character traits and life skills I wanted my kids to possess when they left home. I then had to make adjustments in my life to help grow those traits and skills in them. I had to see each encounter with them as an opportunity to model or teach them how to do life better.

If one of my kids was caught in a lie, life stopped until the situation was truly resolved, even if important activities were missed. If one of them slammed a bedroom door or was disrespectful, we jumped on that immediately. Why? Because as a deliberate parent, I didn’t want my adult child being a liar, verbally abusive, or physically destructive My kids had to learn as children and teens that some things were not tolerated at home or in the world as a whole. Get mouthy with a professor or boss? Good luck. Slam a door or punch a hole in a wall? Here come the authorities. Chronically show attitude because they didn’t get their way with friends, in their work world, or in their marriage? Life will be rough for them. People do as adults that which they are allowed to get away with as kids. My wife and I had to be deliberate with our children/teens so they ended up as good adults when they left home.

Did we get everything right? Not hardly. However, we worked hard to deal with any issues that arose. We once sat with our son on Memorial Day for six hours to address a problem behavior, missing a BBQ with family. Was it worth it? Absolutely. He learned he couldn’t pull one over on us—his soul was more important than a BBQ. Another time we didn’t get to bed until 4:30 am because our teenaged daughter and her boyfriend (who was summoned to our house) were writing about things that caused us deep concern. Her soul was more important than sleep.

Deliberate parenting can be costly—you must be present and involved. You can’t do this from a distance. Time together and conversation is vital. Fun is important. Deliberate parenting requires relationship. To be a deliberate parent you may have to work less, get off your electronics, miss a day of working out, and at times, sacrifice sleep. But your kids are worth it and their character requires it. So, stop reacting and be deliberate. Initiate, take action, and invest in your kids. Apart from marriage, no relationship is more significant than those with our kids. Don’t worry about mistakes you’ve made. Start now, persevere, and be deliberate. You won’t be sorry.